There may come a time when we must write a terrible proposal …. a real stinker. Perhaps we have too much work, our brand has become too strong…..we have to many clients, or we are just having a bad day and need someone to suffer…. This is how we do it…..
To get started on something that will end up a real disaster we need to:
· Avoid any discussion with the client ahead of time – this always leads to constraints and complications.
· Under no circumstances start more than a week before it is due.
· The night before it is due, ask 5 senior people with strong opinions for their input.
With that start, there are ten important elements for a dreadful proposal:
1. Our Firm
This is all about us. A detailed description of our impressive firm must be at the very front. We need complete descriptions our vision, values, purpose, mission, strategy, goals and objectives. Be sure “Clients are our first priority” and our deep commitment to Digital Transformation are mentioned in each.
Bonus points for an organizational chart of the entire firm and a global map indicating every office.
2. Our Qualifications
Staying with the theme of “it really is all about us” ……clearly no other firm has people as smart as ours. We simply declare that we are the best firm in the subject area – or frankly the best for any issue they might ever encounter. This is no time to be shy.
Several pages of Global 200 logos are required and we need a list of every major project we have done the last several years …. each will refer to very successful Digital Transformation Journeys in some way.
Anything that indicates our competitors are incompetent and untrustworthy is helpful.
3. Our Team and Project Organization
Continuing the theme of “it is all about us”….. We will throw in a couple dozen resumes of our very important and highly impressive senior people (no matter how unlikely it is they will ever show up for the project). These full length resumes (minimum 2 pages) need at least one title ( i.e. Vice Chair Practice Co-Lead for Western Ontario) and preferably must include something personal and cute (“completed my personal Digital Transformation Journey, enjoy organic macramé and rescuing blind ferrets; a long suffering Cleveland Browns fan”)
The organizational chart for the project needs to resemble the Tokyo subway map.
Finally, we will require that the client assign 5-10 of their own staff to the project full time. Clients typically have a bunch of people looking for something to do.
4. Insights and Thought Leadership
Reinforcing “it’s all about us”…… Given how smart we are, we need several full length articles that state something obvious in a self-righteous and condescending tone.
Topics are not important - we just need them to know we are very, very smart and can write something longer than our endless self-congratulatory Twitter and LinkedIn posts (should we include those in the appendix?). The best articles will have undecipherable logarithmic charts and impressive graphics depicting Digital Transformation.
5. Scope
Here we must avoid any description of the issue the client is trying to solve. If we made the mistake of meeting with the client, we will forget anything we heard. The scope must be vague and all encompassing…. and obviously will include the words “Journey”, “Transformation” and “Digital” multiple times. Then we will add a couple dozen $5 words from Highly Effective Project Scope Words.
6. Deliverables and Results
We will not include even a hint of anything specific the client might receive or results they might achieve. Instead the proposal needs to emphatically pronounce the extraordinary value that will be created from the work – especially shareholder value….. in the most ambiguous and confident tone possible.
A hint that choosing any other firm could bring pestilence and famine to their company and families forever will be a nice touch.
7. Timeline
Given how busy we are it seems fair to let the client know that we will be starting this project when we can get to it – and will finish when we can. We will insist on a few 4-day offsite “interim milestone reviews” with the entire senior team …. these are required for any successful Digital Transformation Journey.
8. Price
Pricing projects correctly is always difficult…. so follow closely ……first we estimate what a reasonable price would be……then either double it or cut it in half….doesn’t matter which …. next we include both lump sum and a detailed cost plus analysis:
Lump Sum
Round up to the nearest $100K, add 20% expenses and indicate the total with two decimal points.
Detailed Cost Estimate
We will refer to an attached workbook with a minimum of 4 worksheets that include every consultant at each level including potential hours by week and location. In addition any international, federal, state and local taxes, supplies, license fees, insurance, contingencies, exchange rates, etc will be estimated. We will ensure there is no consistency to the worksheets and nothing ties back to the lump sum..
A condescending statement about immediate change orders for requests outside our thoughtfully vague scope is useful – that will keep us head of the budget.
9. T&Cs (Torment and Castigate)
It is best to include these so the lawyers can start fighting right away. We indignantly include our standard unreasonable terms and conditions – full fees upfront, we assume no liability, make no promises, we own all IP, they indemnify us for anything that could possible go wrong and they pay all legal fees for everything….. forever. We have to start somewhere….
10. Proposal Delivery and Follow up
Once we are sure we have met the 200 page minimum, we send an electronic copy and deliver several printed copies…. but only to those executives who were to this point fans of ours. We will exclude anyone who doesn’t like us and obviously ignore those folks in Procurement. Ten minutes after the proposal has been sent we will call the client and ask when would they like us to start.
….I could go on but I have a very important internal meeting of our intergalactic practice leaders to map out the journey for our Digital Transformation 4.0…… it is so hard to fit client meetings in these days…..
I am sure you have some additional suggestions on how to write an incredibly bad proposal – please share !
Just a few thoughts…..
Walt
This one would be really funny if it didn't hit so close to home. Laughed the whole way through, but points are spot on.
You forgot about the whole mix of fonts (types and sizes) to ensure the outcome truly resembles a ransom note + sentences that span at least 2 pages each.