Years ago after moving to the DC area I found myself in the bleachers at my son’s Saturday morning baseball practice. Now if you happen to not be a fan of baseball because it goes to slow, then you are likely to find, as I did, that watching baseball practice is a very special sort of torture.
Not all of the Dads felt that way – most were enthusiastically helping, critiquing and providing uninvited advice for the coaches.
I only had to refer to a goal or penalty once or twice before the other Dads were happy to leave me alone in the stands to read the latest Economist. One Saturday I notice another Dad reading the Economist! A fellow nerd!! I introduce myself and we chat about the Economist articles. Phil and I share other details about where we are from and what we do for a living etc. etc. But after a fairly long discussion, I realize I did not quite get what kind of work he did.
“What kind of work did you say you do?”
“I am in technology – you know a beltway bandit. You said you are in consulting – what kind of consulting?”
I gleefully explain more about what I do – and he asks even more questions – he is really interested in management consulting….
After another 15 minutes I realize again that I did not know who he worked for.
“Who do you work for?”
“Oh, just one of those tech firms focused on analytics – you would not have heard of them. Your company must teach young consultants some deep analytical skills – how do you do that?”
And I told him…. he had lots of questions…. he was very interested in training.
When I asked if he was in charge of training he responded,
“Not really, but I do have people I try to mentor - how does your mentor program work?”
Next thing I know I am describing mentor programs, apprenticeship, training…. answering lots of questions……and then practice is over. As I am driving home I think “What a great discussion!”
…..then it occurs to me he never really answered any questions about his work.
It reminded me of many meetings with prospective clients where I somehow ended up talking so much about our shockingly deep insights, highly relevant experience and unmatched credentials that I never really learned much about the client issues….
After a while I figured out that when people in the DC area did not tell you who they worked for, it means they work for one of the three letter intelligence agencies…. and that Phil did indeed work for one of the agencies.
Later I learned that I had been the recipient of a common practice used by people in those agencies. It is a very simple technique allows them to give as little information as possible while learning as much as possible. A powerful trick that works every time - because it exploits that very human trait …. most of us love to talk about ourselves.
The technique goes like this:
Ask questions about the other person’s business, life, family or hobbies.
When, and if, they ask you a question, you give a simple, short and vague answer….. and then ask them more questions about themselves.
repeat
repeat
I first started trying this out on airplanes with the poor person sitting next to me. And I was surprised how well this worked….. people do indeed love talk about themselves!
I also found that it took practice and discipline….. it turned out it was very hard for me to not answer questions. Over and over again I would end up answering questions in far more depth than I had intended.
With practice I became a bit better ….. and with clients I found if I could manage to not talk so much, I would learn 3 to 4 times as much as a would in a typical interaction. And in most cases clients were actually more interested in sharing their issues than they were hearing about our shockingly deep insights, highly relevant experience and unmatched credentials.
Over time I noticed that proposals and proposal meetings were much more successful if I included more about the clients issues and toned down the credentials section and expanded the “our understanding of the issues” section….. and put it up front.
I cannot say I have mastered this…. I still talk way too much….
Now tell me more about your work……
Thoughts for a Friday….
Walt
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Such a brilliant, universal skill to develop. For social and work situations (even tense or combative ones) this will help. Being inquisitively curious and displaying that in great questions and strong listening discipline...well, you will always learn something!
In a previous lifetime training consultants, I would do a simple active-listening exercise:
1. Pair-off the students having them sit facing each other.
2. Round 1: student A starts talking about an activity that "she really loves."
3. "Partner" is to sit completely stone-faced, no expression, no comment, no hands.
4. Keep going for 90 seconds.
5. Debrief: typically how hideously awkward and uncomfortable it felt.
6. Round 2: student be starts talking about something "frighteningly boring."
7. "Partner" (Student A) tasked to use her best active-listening skills -- facial engagement, paraphrasing, etc.
8. Keep going to 90 seconds.
9. Debrief: generally hard to stop them after 90 seconds.
Two of the "best" boring examples over many years were: A) collecting fingernail clippings that had fallen around the bathroom, and B) planning the pattern he would use to mow his lawn.